In the beginning there was the word

...and apparently it was Philip. Seriously, I was scarily obsessive. I hate to admit it but I guess thats the point. Poor Philip didn't have a chance.

To clarify up to the point this story begins and get the boring bits over with... I was a fuck up at school, not remotely academic and thought I wanted to be a nanny (when really it was just because my mother was pushing the art thing and then threw my portfolio to the bin men - tut). I was too obnoxious for that and failed my interview for the NNEB (they could obviously tell mothering wasn't my strongpoint, and it was too late to apply for any course of any value, so I went to college and did something in social work. A little ironic now don't you think given I am so very unsociable. On the other hand I am now so very atriculate and pain in the arse clever I annoy myself sometimes but it means I have very interesting friends (and still maintain the old ones that always knew - bless them both).

Whilst at college I made a few (really - a few) friends and started mixing with their group of friends. Philip was the first person who had shown any real interest in me but this was because I was the only one to laugh at his VERY bad jokes (not funny bad just drawn out twaddle – I just liked the attention really). Also I was always attracted to men I couldn't have (in psycho babble this is probably because of my low self esteem and my father leaving when I was 4 but to be honest I think it was because I liked the chase), and Philip had a girlfriend, my "best" friends sister. She didn't put out, I did (after quite a lot of alcohol and a bit of a sob story which would be unfair to go into as the sob story involves people who aren't part of this story and have one all of their own to tell).

So after 2 years of shagging Philip when he got drunk (another thing hindsight does - he wasn't very good but he was my first so I wouldn't have known this at the time - I did make up for this but more later), and his girlfriend still refused to give up her precious chastity, I eventually got pregnant. Rather annoyingly this came at a time when I had conceded defeat and was happily getting over Philip and growing up and away. I really did just fancy a shag that night. I had sorted my 'plan' for the next 10 years and was doing my nurses training to be able to work in 3rd world and war torn countries (how very noble of me), but I was pregnant and gave it all up. Obviously with hindsight I shouldn't have panicked and given everything up but hindsight is only useful for learning lessons after the event. So I gave up my chances of working with WHO or Red Cross and I had a baby. Philip stayed with his girlfriend (my "best" friend had now disowned me due to conflicting loyalties) and I quite happily pottered along as an auxiliary nurse. I had my lovely baby boy (from now on referred to as Child the elder - or Christopher) and was moved into a mother and baby home with a self righteous elderly virgin who clearly needed to have been laid and never had so was very bitter about being surrounded by lots of girls who so very obviously, rub it in your face, had. Child the elder and I got ourselves a small 1 bedroom flat from the councilin Hampden Park outside Eastbourne, just round the corner from where Philip was living with his parents and when Adam was 7 months old I let him move in. This was a HUGE mistake and everyone kept telling me so (much like they did when I told them I was keeping my baby - how very Madonna. I really did say to my father "don't bloody preach" too. Idiot).

So there was baby 1 and I grew to love him. I have to be honest here, as that’s the point, I didn't instantly love him. He was very cute and I enjoyed his company. I used to sing to him a lot and his godmother and I used to amuse him with the shoop shoop song, but love was a long way off. Slowly it dawned on me (I was quite slow on the uptake then) that I had screwed my life plan and this small thing was now more important than me. It wasn't him and me against the world it was me fighting for him all the way. And it was a fight. So lets move on....